Is It On or Off?

You may be one of those who happens to have on your vehicle's dashboard the interesting configuration shown in the image on the right. If you are, this blog entry is a public service to you explaining how to use it.

1. If you want the airbag to be on and the off light is on, insert your ignition key into the slot and turn left to the on position. The off light will go off.
2. If you want the airbag to be on and off is off, do nothing. The airbag is already on.
3. If you want the airbag off and off is on, do nothing. The airbag is already off.
4. If you want the airbag to be off and off is off, insert your ignition key into the slot and turn it from on to off. Off will come on indicating that the airbag is off.

See? It's simple. When off is on then the airbag is off. You have to turn it on to make the off go off. When the off is off, then the airbag is on. You have to turn it off to make the off go on.

I thought this mechanism was so clever, it inspired me to do a little steampunk graphic using a tool called Gimp. (Here, let me Google that for you: gimp.)

Here's the image:

Notice that the off is on, indicating something is off. What odd mechanisms have you seen?

Eff That Noise

One of the more interesting words in English language is this one. This article will not use that word simply because I have an aversion to using it in general, but especially in a public forum. Instead, I will use the word Frack. It loses some of the strength of the invective, but if you do the translation, you'll get the general idea of where I'm going. Do the translation everywhere you see the word Frack.

This article is not so much about the word, because the Wikipedia article to which I pointed you already has a very fascinating write-up. This article is more about a grammatical nuance that profanity seems to bring to English. I noticed it while I was trying to think of a motto for myself. (Hey, I was out walking and was bored out of my mind. What else was I supposed to be thinking about?) Anyway, the motto I decided I liked best was Frack the Obstacles. (But transposed inappropriately, as mentioned.)  I was going to ask a friend of mine to translate this into Latin for me. But as I thought it through, I realized that the translation was very important and had to convey the rancor of the vituperation. I wondered first if there was the vulgar equivalent in Latin, then I wondered how he would conjugate it.

To explain why that is important, I need to back up a little further to the reason why the motto appeals to me. It starts with myself and a different friend pulling into a parking space. A small tree overhung the space and my truck was really too large to fit there. However, heedless, I pulled forward all the way into the spot. The limbs of the tree screeched against the side of my truck. A mass of leaves pressed against the windshield. My friend laughed and said, “Frack that tree.”

That's how I felt as I was walking and thinking about mottoes. Frack that tree. Frack whatever is trying to stop me. I'm going where I'm going to go, and nothing is going to stop me.

Back to conjugation. There is concept in English that allows for a sentence fragment if the subject is understood. For example, if I say, “Go to hell,” the subject You is understood. If I were to translate that into another language, I would use the conjugation that implies You. For example, ¡Vas al diablo!

Unfortunately Frack is not so easy to translate. Frack that tree does not carry the same meaning as You frack that tree. The sentence Frack you! does not seem to be as effective as You frack you! (Although it is quite effective when transposed to Go frack yourself! It just seems to have a subtly different meaning.) There is one famous line in history that has a similar meaning and phrasing. Damn the torpedoes. Full speed ahead!^† I think the understood subject Everybody would work just as well. Everybody damn the torpedoes – full speed ahead! But again, that doesn't translate with frack that tree. I also wondered if the subject is understood to be self referencing. That is, I frack that tree. While closer, I am pretty sure it simply isn't true. That's not what I would mean if I said it.

The truth is that the tree is irrelevant or worse. By saying, frack that tree, I'm saying that the value of the tree is of no consequence to me. I'm saying that the tree's wishes are of no consequence to me. In fact, I hold the tree in such high contempt that I will make a conscious effort to frustrate that tree's efforts to inhibit me – even if going around or making a small adjustment would be easier for me. It holds more malice than the statement, I don't give a frack about that tree.

This leads me to the conclusion that there is a sentence structure that is allowable in English even though it has no subject. The subject is not understood. The subject is non-existent. Furthermore, it may be that the only time that this is true is when we use the verb form of Frack.

That said, there are two types of feedback I would like from the thousands of people who don't read this blog. The first would be from grammar wonks. What do you think of my conclusion? Does this warrant another exception in the English language? The second from students of Latin. Is there a translation that carries the full connotation behind phrases like Damn the torpedoes and Frack the Obstacles?

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^†It turns out that the linked Wikipedia article shows that this is a misquotation of the quote on record. Read it for yourself and see. The original quote could have the understood subject of you as it is a direct order from the admiral.

Facebook Sadness

Photos show my old school friends laughing and playing with their children.
The years have been kind, I think, and they have had children late in life.
Then I realize the adults are children of my old school friends.
I feel old.

Imagine What I Could Do With My Blazing Turkey

Last Sunday, I cooked the second turkey I've ever cooked in my life.  It was also the biggest turkey I had ever cooked in my life.  I wish I had taken pictures before I cooked it.  It was enormous. It must have weighed 25 pounds.  But to me, it was just a challenge.  You see, I had done it before. It's a just a matter of scale.  How much different can it be to go from, oh, 12 pounds to 25?

Turns out, you need a bigger pan.

After thawing for a week in my refrigerator, I got the bad boy out, rinsed him off and prepped him for the pan.  It really amazes me how one of these things can sit in the fridge for so long and still have ice crystals down inside.    That clue, and the fact that the stuffing I made did not fill the cavity should have warned me that I was dealing with no ordinary turkey.  But, confident in my skills, I crammed giganti-bird into my 12x24x2 pan, set the oven to 350°F and went off to church.

Five hours later, we came home to smoke trickling out of the oven door.  My confidence waned.  A quick peek showed that, yes, something was burning, but it didn't appear to be the turkey.  In fact, the magic button had not even popped yet.  Upon closer examination, I discovered that the liquid in my pan was bubbling over onto the floor of the oven.  Aha! This is a problem I know how to manage! My confidence waxed.

While I grabbed cup and ladle, the oven insidiously conspired against me.  Having left the door open while retrieving the requisite equipment, the bottom burner decided the bird was getting a bit of a chill and needed to be warmed up.  It began to glow evilly.  Carefully, I ladled a scoop of the glorious bird's juices into my cup.  Excellent.  Then, I went for the second scoop.

What happened next is much like what happens in a Jerry Bruckheimer film at the height of the action sequences. Apparently turkeys are laced with heavy doses of napalm.  (Which would explain a lot of other things if you think about it.)  I jostled the ladle and spilled some of the juice onto the wicked burner.  My entire visual frame filled with a raging inferno.  This turkey's ancestors had reached up from the bowels of Hell and sought to drag me into the fiery depths to endure their torment with them.  I beat them back with the ladle.

When I wiped the sweat from my brow, I found that I had not come through unmolested.  My brittle eyebrows came away in my hands.  My hand had suffered two minor burns.  Short though they were, my forelocks had retreated so hastily that they curled back on themselves.  Sources say that the sight was laughable.  (Said source also did not hesitate to demonstrate laughter as proof of his claim.)

Bowl of Turkey Meat

Alas, the story is not grim.  Though the turkey's button never popped, we did eat the fowl creature.  I ripped its flesh from its bones and ground the bones into the sewer.  What remains is a bowl of meat large enough to feed an army for a week...or perhaps a father and son for a day or two.  See the picture of the bowl.  The fork is added for scale. The tiles upon which the bowl sits are 8 inch tiles.  The picture really doesn't do the magnitude justice.

Unfortunately, now there is a thick layer of volatile, jellied turkey napalm on the bottom of my oven.  Best not to use that self-cleaning feature just yet, I guess. Work to do. Ew.

Ice Storm 2011

Just another ice storm in the Midwest. There have been worse.  Not much to say about it, but here are a few pictures. Click on the picture to zoom.

Evergreen Weighed Down and Parted
Laden Pine
Encrusted Tramp
The Other Evergreen
Natural Ice Sculpture and a Branch That Could Not Hold Out
Beauty Up Close

Expressing Grief Today

Grieving today. A very important person in my life is going to be away from me for six months.  I've never been apart from this individual for so long. Sunday begins the journey.  It's difficult to write about anything else because this is so big on my mind.  There are moments when I simply cannot contain the grief, and I break down crying.

I feel alone. I feel whelmed.

My hope is that this will be a growing experience that far outweighs the pain of separation.  It will be good for both of us.  Maybe I'll grow up and expressing myself through an unread blog–an open diary–won't be so important anymore.

Who knows?